Get out of Your Own Way
By: Mia L. Hazlett
When marriage ends, it is like a death. There is an initial shock and anger and stages and blah blah blah. Again, I’m not a licensed shrink or anything, but I am separated and have been for five years now. Fingers crossed , that the end is close. One of my major accomplishments over these five years; forgiveness. But like death, forgiveness comes with memories. Sometimes the emotions that go with those memories, leak from the big hole in my face. I believe that’s what makes me human, I’m not perfect.
The thing about it, forgiveness gives me a freedom to let go of a lot of pain that went along with the memories. It allows me to love my ex as the mother of his children and let him into our lives freely. This may be confusing, so let me explain. He’s the father or my children and always will be. I’m the mother of his children and always will be. I would be devastated if I ever had to tell my children something happened to their father. They love their father to pieces. He’s not always around, but that’s my issue, not my children’s.
So it was my daughter’s birthday the other day and we, father, mother, and daughters, had dinner together. At this dinner, we took a family selfie. It wasn’t about love and us getting back together, it was about my daughters. I’ve had friends say they could never do it, and I truly comprehend. There was a time, before forgiveness, that finding us in the same house would be impossible.
So why the change? Last year my youngest daughter had a project at school, which required her to bring in a picture of her family. Now over the years her drawings have included my parents or her aunt and cousins, but in all, there has always been her father. I found the predicament quite sad, because between myself and the girls we all knew of one picture we all posed for. We looked throughout the house and finally after over an hour, found the picture. My oldest had framed it and hid it on the dresser in her closet. She wasn’t sure if she should put it in the open. Another sad discovery on the quest to find the one family picture.
I vowed at that point to take more family pictures of us. My children should not have to hold onto one picture and then fear that they won’t get it back. I reassured them if we didn’t get it back, I could just print another one. I was missing the point. My kids had nothing to do with our separation. I had to get over myself and allow for visual memories.
I get there is a reason you are separated or divorced from your ex, but the courts divorce you and your spouse, not your spouse from their child/ren. If the pain is still fresh and years have gone by, it’s time to work on forgiveness. If you can’t do it for yourself, kids are a pretty important reason too.
Copyright © 2014 – Mia L. Hazlett