BFF, Children, daughters, Emotions, Family, friends, friendship, Godmother, Hazlett, Kids, Mia, Mia L. Hazlett, Mommy Not Friend, Mother, Motherhood, Parenting, parents, patience, Work

Mommy Failure

Mia L. Hazlett
3/18/13

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This weekend was the first weekend in a very long time that I had to question my mothering. Most of the time I’m pretty sure the decisions I make will pay off in the long run. This week just felt different. The one hour lost sent me into a week of utter fatigue. I’m not sure if it was due to the mornings being pitch black all the way to work, or the fact I haven’t had a weekend to sleep in and do nothing in about three weeks.

By the time I was sitting in the bleachers watching my oldest practice softball on Saturday, I had to knock on the door of my BFF. I sent a quick text telling her I was having one of those doubting moments. I was feeling overwhelmed and completely depleted. I was operating on a ¼ of a tank by the time I got to her.

As always, she put it in perspective and had me on full by the time we hung up. I was watching my daughter practice and she was missing balls thrown to her and her batting wasn’t on point. I felt that was my fault. I should have spent more time helping her practice and preparing for this season. That is my responsibility as a parent to help her practice when she is at home. Just as I push academics, and create extra work to add to her curriculum, I should have been throwing the ball with her and teaching her how to catch and swing. With my youngest, I’ve continuously told her I’m going to take her training wheels off and teach her how to ride a two-wheeler – yet to happen.

Lucky for my BFF, she told me I had to do what was going to make my life easier. I had to do what was going to make me sane, not everyone else. You see I’m an Executive Assistant to a high level chief at a Boston hospital. My life is about multi-tasking and always has been. I can’t really just sit and rest. I have to be doing “something.” Nothing is not an option. The problem with doing everything to make everyone happy, I’ve slipped back to no me, but everyone else.

Now see, work is all about paying me for what I do, so I’m on point with that. To be the mother I wanted to be, I chose to work an early shift, so I could be home early. This has me up at four in the morning, out of the door by five. For the days I know it’s snowing, I’m up by 3:30. I get home by about five and my real job starts. The job that is most important to me, being a mother. I pick up one and race home before the other one is off the bus. This makes for rushing to make dinner and homework, and papers and all the mom stuff that I’ve been handling all along.

So what pushed me over the edge this week? My youngest had the flu about two weeks ago and was out of school for a week. In that time the homework calendar was sent out for the month. She never received it. My intention was to send in a note and remind the teacher to send it home. Instead, I stood in my kitchen cooking dinner listening to my daughters talk in the other room. My oldest was asking her sister if she received her homework calendar. I chimed in how I forgot to send in the note…AGAIN.
“No mommy, I took care of it. I walked her to her classroom and asked her teacher to send it home.” I had a nice silent cry in my shower that night.

What the hell is wrong with me? I can keep my boss on point, most of the time, perfection within myself seems to elude me at work as well. I demand perfection from myself. I demand that I do everything I set out to do on a daily basis. My daughter not getting her homework calendar was my responsibility, not her sister’s. My daughter not having the top skills at practice, was my lack of prioritizing her practice time with me. Making sure I find some time within the next three weekends to teach my youngest how to ride her two-wheeler is on the top of my list, along with getting my book formatted for Kindle, and finishing the last ten chapters of my novel, and planning my little one’s birthday party. Oh yeah, let me not forget making sure I have enough posts to roll out for the week for my three blogs. But for me to have the motivation to write, I have to be able to read in the meantime.

Although I beat myself up this week and felt as though I fell very short in my parenting duties, my BFF put me back on track. She allowed me take my cape off and let phone calls go to voicemail and believe it or not, I let dishes sit in the sink and didn’t fold any clothes after they were out of the dryer. I had to wash and dry them all, but they sat in the laundry basket unfolded and today, MONDAY, they are still there. Woo-hoo! Yaay me.

6 thoughts on “Mommy Failure”

  1. My perfectionism personality has almost sent me to the psych ward a couple of times – thank God for girlfriends! Mine, like it sounds like yours, have helped keep me sane and grounded.

    Chin up – things will get done in time (just maybe not in your time, but in God’s).

    1. I definitely wouldn’t be able to walk this walk without her. It helps so much that she has been there and done that. She talks from experience and not hypothetically. And thanks so much for that, sometimes I need to be reminded I’m on God’s time and not mine.

  2. Thank God for BFF 😉 I was thinking the same exact thing she said. Honey, what it sounds like to me is called Single Parent Syndrome-a term I created and am in the process of writing about. It means, we are only one person-period. We were not created to be the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick maker. However, our situations demand that from us. Having a job and kids definately leave us on the back burner but if you don’t have a moment to stop and smell the roses everything is going to smell funky. I know it’s easier said than done. One life altering moment took place when I returned from the hospital. It was when I could finally crawl up to my room after weeks passed. Everything was just as I left it. I realized it would have remained the same whether I lived or died. Clean clothes won’t die if left unfolded. Dishes will not crumble for one night and the bed won’t cave in if unmade. Those are moments you may be able to do those other more important things like take those training wheels off, take a nap or just breathe.

    1. Thanks Renie. I think the reason I do so much now is so they will never have this struggle. I want to lay the groundwork so even if the stumble they won’t fall.

      Most of the time I feel like I’ve got it, but at least I’ve learned to dial that special number when I’m falling to pieces on the inside and smiling on the outside.

  3. Like you I have a child that acts as mother sometime. I actually call her little Mama. When I was incapacitated, I felt guilty because she catered to her little sisters every need. This was nothing new as my littlest one has always had poor health and the bigger one always helped out. I never even have to ask. What I’ve come to believe is this is the door God opened. He knew that we needed a little extra help as we try to be everywoman. So I just accept and embrace it and give her extra rewards to let her know she is a Godsend. Your daughter, like mine has, a perfect love for you and your daughter. They are learning true Christian love and that is perfection. I told my daughter about my friend who has a daughter like mine. and asked what she thought about your daughter helping so much. She said, “everyone is human and needs help.”

    1. I think you hit the nail on the head. It’s that guilt factor. I feel like I’ve put her through so much by walking away from her father that, I just want her to be a kid. Like, even though we’ve made it through the storm, I still get worried when there is a light drizzle.

      How precious of your daughter to have such an honest heart. They truly amaze me sometimes. And it’s when they say things like that, that I know, and you should know, you’ve done something right.

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