Anger, betrayal, Children, daughters, death, Emotions, Family, fear

I’m So Weak

I’m So Weak
By: Mia L. Hazlett
12/14/12

I had a draft to write tonight. It was supposed to be about Family Tradition. But I can’t write that tonight. My mind isn’t on my family, it’s on the families in Newtown Connecticut. I had seen early on prior to any reported deaths, that there was a school that was on lockdown in Connecticut. I didn’t pay much attention, and carried on with my day.

A co-worker came to my office and asked me if I heard? Heard what? He told me an elementary school in Connecticut just had a shooting. Kindergarteners had been killed. What the fuck? Honestly, what the fuck? I can’t sugarcoat this. Who kills five year-olds? With all the details coming out, there’s nothing I really want to quote because the story is still rolling out and changing. Thankfully the sorry coward piece of shit that went into the school killing innocent babies is dead. Hopefully he is rotting in hell with Satan Lucifer. Too bad they didn’t catch him prior to his cowardly act of suicide, but he is dead all the same.

I guess I’m so emotional because I realized how weak I truly am. As much as I write about keeping my kids in the right and them driving me crazy, they own me. They don’t realize it. I really didn’t realize it until today. You see when I heard the news, I realized I’m those parents. I most likely did the same thing they did today.

I got up and got ready for work. And as I sat at my desk over 50 miles aways from my children I began to tear up at my desk. In my rushed morning routine, I almost left without kissing my oldest. Luckily I turned around and kissed her. Because I knew she wasn’t going to be home when I got home. She was going to her friend’s house after school. I put one on her cheek as she quietly slept and whispered I loved her like I do every morning. She must have been really tired, because usually she whispers back. Not this morning. I stopped and said my morning prayer over them as I do every morning. I now know why God stopped me and kept my rush mode in check, and allowed a prayer to leave my mouth.

That’s why it hit so hard. I have such a trust and take life for granted so much, that I was ready to walk out of the house and rush to work without kissing my daughter. I don’t see or talk to my kids until the end of the day. When I wait at the bus stop at the end of the day I assume nothing has happened all day and wait for her to get off the bus. I’m sure the parents of the victims have done the same thing. And now I realize it could have easily have been my kids’ school.

I realize how weak I truly am. I can’t fathom what those parents are going through. I can’t fathom getting that phone call. I can’t fathom waiting to hear if my children are dead or alive. I can’t fathom ever again being too rushed to kiss my daughters and pray over them as they sleep. I can’t fathom my daughters not getting off the bus at the end of the day. I could have never fathomed that my kids could make me so weak.

Father God bring the children and brave teachers home to you today. Reach down and heal the families who will never be able to hold their loved ones again. In Jesus Name – Amen

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