I came into 2013 by myself. I sat in my recliner with the television on completely, captivated by my new James Patterson book. As the midnight hour approached, I wondered what 2013 would bring for me. And as I sat alone, I began to feel lonely. My daughters were at a sleepover and I was alone with our cat. I was like, “I’m the old lady with the cat.” Dammit!
I thought I should be doing something, out celebrating or around other people to bring in the new year. So I began to have one of my conversations with God, not quite a pity party, but I was close. I was blah blah blahing to Him, about not having a man in my life. Somehow I had the nerve to be complaining about what I didn’t have, but with that moment in prayer, He revealed to me what I do have. Not only what I do have, but what I didn’t have last year.
So I got over myself and peeled away my self-pity and prayed over my real anxiety. I declared a month ago, that for my 40th birthday in August 2013, I am buying myself a house. It’s a daily reminder in my phone. Every single day at 1pm I am reminded I will own a house by August of next year. I don’t have a damn clue how, but I know that is my next step.
To take this next step is to keep myself disciplined to a budget that will allow for very few extras, maybe none. So on January 1, 2013, I sat at the dinner table with my daughters for our first meal of the year. I announced to them my plan. My youngest quickly asked if we could get a dog when we had our own house, but my oldest knows me very well. “Mommy, what else?”
I didn’t want to say it. I’ve taken these girls through so much over the past three years, and I just wanted to keep the smile on their faces. I bit the bullet. “To buy the house, we are not going to be able to do a lot of the things we want, like go out to eat and to the movies or pretty much anything beyond what you need for school, clothes and food. The basics ladies, we are back to the basics.” Then I sucked in and prepared to drop the bomb as they listened and continued to eat. I had planned to take them to Disney in June, they’ve never been, and they were so excited. But I had to realistically calculate my budget against my plan, and total what the vacation would equal over homeownership. “We’re not going to Disney in June.”
“Whaaat?!” from my oldest.
“So we’re going tomorrow,” from my youngest.
“No. We are not going tomorrow.”
“Saturday? We don’t have school on Saturday. That would be a good day,” she persisted.
“No. We are not going to go this year. Maybe next year.”
“I’m going to be a teenager by the time we ever go. It won’t even be fun for me. Everyone I know has been there,” my oldest complained.
“I haven’t been and you know me,” my youngest looked at her and said bluntly.
“Can’t we just go Mommy? We don’t have to have a house. Let’s just go to Disney. Pleeeeaasse?”
If ever there was a moment that I wanted to be my kids’ friend and throw all caution to the wind, it was at that moment. I could save up all my money and burn it on one vacation, to keep that smile on their faces. But I had to be mommy and suck up the feeling of temporarily failing them. I had to grapple with the feeling of selfishness of putting my dream over theirs. Yes, every little girl should be able to visit the land of princesses, that makes sense when you are 11 and 6. So it was useless to try to explain the housing market and why it is a good time to buy. I had to be mommy and keep that to myself. I couldn’t fall victim to the pouty eyes and frowns. I had to ensure them that the women sitting at the head of the table, knew what was best for the family.
So with trepidation, I declare for 2013, that I will own a house by my birthday in August 2013. How? I have no clue. That is why I am back to living by faith. In Jesus mighty name, AMEN!